As many of my closest friends in the transgendered community know I have been “working” with a heightened level (thanks Homeland Security) of transition feelings. Esprit this year has brought about a change in direction for me, or shall I say a more defiend direction towards fulltime. A simple question at Esprit has had a huge influence on my life since. The question was “How are you?” Sounds pretty tame at first blush, but at that moment I was apparently very vulnerable. I started to answer the question but I couldn’t follow through with the usual pat answer. I was soon crying, feeling very overwhelmed. Fortunately I am blessed with wonderful friends, in this case, Cat and Elaine.
It all came tumbling out; work, working with a new business, transition, family etc. There was no holding back, there was a weight on my shoulders that in that moment began to shift. The shifting has continued to this moment, especially the gender journey.
Since Esprit in May I have felt a presence or a subtle energy that is influencing me to follow the fulltime path. I am sensitive to certain energies and this energy has been present in more ways than just my feelings. There seems to have been moments where people’s words, a song or another girl moving forward on her journey have caused me to feel that this is the right path. I have been having these strong feelings, it is a scary thought, but also one filled with anticipation to move towards living as the woman I am.
I have been questioning myself and my motives to make sure this is the right path. Probably over doing I expect, probably trying to “control” things to the nth degree. I mulled over the idea of going to a trans counselor but elected to get together with Patricia (www.innerheart.ca). She and I are very connected but Patricia is also one of my teachers/sensei. Another turning point was having a 2 1/2 hour appointment with her.
Desire versus need, what is truly the truth, what is the real path for the soul? Patricia asked me to think deeply, to really feel into what was right, what is the true desire of my soul. These words may trouble some of you but please know that all beings are capable of finding out their various journeys. In order to reach that point of knowing she asked some very hard and deep questions. I won’t go into the actual question but I can say that at the end of our time the weight had been lifted from my shoulders.
My understand or observation of need is that it is what the mind chatter goes on about all the time. I am sure you are familair with the “white noise” of the mind. Desire comes from being at one with ones inner self or soul. To find answers like this required me to vulnerable and I chose to do that. It is necessary to do the hard work if I want to find out where to go with my life. The desire to be proceed towards fulltime is absolute for me. In the moment I am at peace with that; no expectation of how or when. My objective is to keep moving forward and when the mind chatter takes over I just “unplug”. I become the observer of the chatter and then move back on path to what is the moment.
Stay tuned for more developements.