I’m on my way, from misery to happiness today!
By the time most of you read this, I will actually, factually, finally be on my way. This is a very big, and quite frankly scary journey I’m making. Monday is my date for surgery – the procedure that will finally bring my body into congruence with my mind and my spirit.
I’m on my way, from misery to happiness today!
There has always been a disconnect within me. Born male (what? you didn’t know? I’ll just take that as a compliment – and now you do), yet never feeling male, I never connected easily with boys. I longed to be with the girls – oh, heck – I longed to BE a girl. Sadly, girls were in short supply as I grew up in not one, not two but THREE all-boys’ boarding schools. Yet still I knew my male self was only a shelter – armour, if you will – for something else within me. Not a girl, not a woman, not Stephanie, not even a persona yet – but there and tangible to me, as a stirring, a not-quite-right feeling. I had no idea what was wrong with me. Why didn’t I fit in? Why couldn’t I understand? Why couldn’t I conquer it? Why couldn’t I “be a man”? “not cry?” “not be a sissy?” Why couldn’t I talk to anyone about it? Well, the last one was easy: fear. Fear of the unknown, fear of the reaction I might get, fear of being different or sick, fear of ignorance, fear of stupidity, fear of “treatment” (whatever that might look like). Fear of simply not knowing what I was talking about – because I didn’t.
I’m on my way to what I want from this world
Now, years later, I have the concepts and the language to understand what has been going on. I know there’s a name for folks like me. There’s a medical condition associated with us. And yes, there is treatment. There are ways to heal the disconnect between body and soul. The mind and the soul can be soothed and counselled but never truly changed – so if change and unity is to happen, it is the body that must be changed.
The person inside has finally come of age. She has grown up. She has a name. She has a personality. And she is me. And I am Stephanie. For me, that means the next step is making the body female.
And years from now you’ll make it to the next world
And everything that you receive up yonder
The journey to get to where I am would be completely impossible solo. I lost count a very long time ago of the number of people who are on the road before me and mentoring me; the people following me who look to me as a mentor; the friends and family who are with me and supporting me in whatever way they can; and the incredible team of professionals who are making it all happen.
Is what you gave to me the day I wandered
The gifts I receive every day from my friends, the subtle, yet powerful affirmations from strangers, the easy comfort my granddaughters have with me, the music I and my singing group share, the chats with my friends about “the journey” and a hundred and one other things, the expanding boundaries of friendship and so much more – these all enrich my new life far beyond what I could ever have dreamed. The difference is that now there is a directness, an immediacy – without layers of filters, conditioning and yes, armour.
And now that I don’t want for anything
I’d have Al Jolson sing
Want for anything? Not much, actually. I wish that everyone, in their own lives and their own journeys could fulfil their dreams. I hope that I can continue to mentor, inspire and guide others who are looking down this road. I hope that as I live a normal, happy life that I can show people that folks like me are pretty much the same as folks like you.
Sing? Of course!
“I’m sitting on top of the world!”
I’m on my way…
— The Proclaimers, I’m On My Way